


What We Deserve

by followyourenergy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Speculation, Castiel's Deal with the Shadow, M/M, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26194909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/followyourenergy/pseuds/followyourenergy
Summary: Dean finds out about Castiel's deal with the Shadow, and he's determined to do something about it once they defeat God and save the world yet again.By the time they've done just that, though, Castiel is gone and Dean is hopeless. Why can't they ever get what they deserve? What good is freedom and peace if Cas isn't there with him? Why does the world get to win and Dean doesn't?But maybe, just maybe, there's a reward for Dean and Castiel yet.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 98
Kudos: 274





	What We Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> Just gettin' in my feels after that trailer about the last seven eps was released...join me in my puddle, won't you?

“You made a deal.”

“I had to.”

“Damn it, Cas, we...” He trailed off as tears pooled in his eyes.

Tears were new and unsettling to Castiel. He was used to Dean’s anger, to his passion, to his fire and defiance and determination, but sadness and desperation...“I’m sor—”

“Why?” Dean demanded, his voice cracking.

“For you. For Sam. For our family. And it worked out, because now Jack can help save the world—”

“Great.” He swiped a hand over his face. “Why do we have to save everyone else while we lose everything, huh?”

It was a question Castiel couldn’t answer for Dean, because he’d never answered it for himself. But he hated the glassy desperation staring at him, so he tried, “You’re not losing everything—”

“The hell I’m not!”

Castiel’s brow creased at Dean’s phrasing— _I_ instead of _we_. “You and I both know that sacrifices must be made sometimes—”

“No! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of losing everyone I—damn it. Damn it.” He sighed as his tears slipped down his cheeks.

“Dean—”

“We could’ve found another way, Cas. We—”

“No. We wanted Jack back. This was the only way. This is what we wanted.“

“Not like this! Not...not like this.”

Tears formed in Castiel’s own eyes. Angels didn’t cry, but Castiel was more human than angel these days...in the ways that mattered, anyway. “Please understand. You fought for this whole world. I fought for you. Everything, always...for you. I needed to give you this. And now, now you’ll have the chance to win.”

Dean glanced at Jack, at Sam and Eileen, at Amara, at all the hunters who were gathered together to fight God, then he turned back to Castiel and pointed a finger at him. “Okay. We will deal with this later. First, we defeat God. Then, we get you out of that deal.”

“Dean—”

“I won’t lose you. Not again.” Dean stepped into his personal space and rested his hands on his shoulders. “I want you to stay, Cas.”

Castiel nodded. “I’ll try.”

* * *

They fought. They won.

And when the dust settled and time seemed to resume, Dean looked for Cas so they could head back home and solve the Empty problem...

...but he was gone.

All that was left of him was a note, pinned with Cas’ angel blade to the table—the same table Dean had wrapped Cas on after Lucifer killed him. 

_Dean—_

_The moment I felt the universe shift, I knew you won. I knew you—and the world—were safe and well, and would continue to be. I knew that you were finally free to live your life for yourself. To choose._

_That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you._

_I was happy._

_I couldn’t help it. Your freedom and your peace bring me too much joy._

_The Shadow came to collect._

_I’m sorry._

_Live well. Be happy. You deserve it._

_I love you, Dean. I love you._

The paper slipped from Dean’s hand. His teeth ached as he clenched them, desperately clinging to his old habit of bottling his feelings (though it was usually with a bottle in his hand). But the exquisite pain of love lost and opportunities missed was too great to bear. He sunk to his knees and wept, letting the others clean up the mess out there for once.

A voice broke into his private grieving. “Hello Dean.”

Wrung out but nowhere near dry, Dean raised his face until he met Amara’s eyes.

“You saved the world. Again.”

“So?” he rasped, utterly exhausted from a lifetime of fighting and grief.

She regarded him curiously. “So?”

“Yeah, so what? I mean, great for them, great for you, great for everybody...everybody but me.”

“It’s not ‘great’ for you?”

“Not even close.”

She knelt in front of him and placed a hand on his heart. “Ah,” she said after a moment.

Dean shifted his body away until her hand dropped. He closed in on himself, hoping she’d get the hint and leave him alone.

”You deserve a great reward for all you have done, Dean.”

 _Since when do we get what we deserve?_ he thinks sullenly. ”Don’t want it. Don’t give it to me.” There was only one thing he wanted, and she couldn’t give it to him. The Shadow had taken Cas, completing their deal. What good was any reward if Cas couldn’t be with him?

“I can’t give you the reward. That’s up to you. But I do hope to provide you with the means.” She stroked his hair. “Thank you for everything. Allow yourself your reward and enjoy the peace you’ve earned, Dean.”

She disappeared and he stared dully at the floor, rewards and peace the furthest things from his mind. 

As the sunlight began to fade, the floor groaned with heavy footsteps that stopped in front of him. Sam fell to one knee and wrapped him in a hug.

“I loved him,” he admitted to his brother.

Sam’s arms tightened around him. “I know.” He squeezed him tighter. “We have to go.”

* * *

Dean didn’t speak in the car, nor at the cheap motel, nor when they stepped into the Bunker the next day. No one bothered him when he grabbed as much alcohol as he could carry and went straight to his room. 

He opened his door and dropped his bag and the alcohol to the floor, planning to duck out to use the bathroom before he locked himself into the room for the foreseeable future. 

“Hello Dean.”

Dean slowly raised his head, thinking perhaps he was hallucinating. He looked at the source of the greeting and blinked. “Cas?”

Cas was sitting on his bed, hands folded, wearing Dean’s clothes. “Yes.”

“H-How...?”

“A deal was struck between the Shadow, Billie, and Amara,” he explained softly. “In thanks for your efforts—and to ensure that I could never disturb the Shadow’s sleep ever again, which I wouldn’t stop doing when I was there—I was sent back to Earth...as a human.” 

Dean stared at him as he absorbed the information and the fact that Cas was _there_ , _safe_ and _alive_ and with _him_.

“Amara...she said this is what you needed. Me, I mean. So you could get your reward. I’m not certain what she meant.”

At that, Dean rose to his feet. “I know what she meant,” he murmured. He approached the bed and sat next to him, gathering up his courage to speak. “Cas, I can’t think of a better reward than living my life for myself...with you.”

Cas’ brow creased, and even as a human he still tilted his head in confusion. “Dean?”

“I’m not a believer in fate or destiny, you know that. But I believe in us. We’re real. We’ve always been real. And everything we’ve fought for, everything we’ve won, everything we...we feel...I wanna share it with you. Together.”

Cas nodded. 

“I’m not the easiest person to be with, you know that, and we’ve had our stuff. But we got the rest of our lives to do better than we have, if...if you want.”

Cas nodded again. They gazed at each other until, slowly, Dean cupped Castiel’s face. “I love you, too, you know.”

It was like a sunrise in slow-motion—the lift of Cas’ brows, the flush of his cheeks, the light of his small, surprised smile. Dean smiled, too, like one does when seeing such a beautiful sight. There wasn’t a lot of beauty in his world—but with the man in front of him, he was hoping that would change. 

He leaned forward, giving Castiel plenty of time to back away. But he didn’t back away. Instead, he leaned forward, too, inching closer until finally, finally, their mouths met—halting and testing, then firm and fervent, clinging and desperate, alive and free.

It was the end of something, and the beginning of something new. 

**Author's Note:**

> Love you all XOXO


End file.
